an emotional pinata

I was born with this deep, burning passion for life. I wake up every morning hoping that each day will be an amazing adventure. At some point the world has both bated and twisted this pure, joyful passion into pain and anxiety. I want EVERYDAY to be the best day. I want desperately to CELEBRATE. I was given many second chances on this life. WHY, WHY, WHY would I want to spend a day at less than my best? Why would I not want to greet each person I see with a smile, hello, or a friendly joke? Why would I, instead, look over and barely acknowledge that they are even present. There are days when I feel like I might as well be spider or a bird. Some other species hardly evoking the response of another human.

I do not expect that everyone should be an emotional pinata like me, but kindness? Friendliness? Can't these too exist in any subset of ANY personality? Why can't I wear pink? Why can't I paint my nails with little hearts and eat candy? Why can't I bring cupcakes to class in graduate school? Why can't I like to Dance? WHY MUST WE GROW OUT OF CELEBRATING? Worse than this awful feeling that I must physically restrain myself from celebrating “stupid” holidays, is the feeling that when I do celebrate, I am judged. I'm so frivolous, childish, immature, silly. I'm wasting time. I should be putting all my energy into school.

For a year now I have painfully and violently resisted the urge to celebrate, except in appropriate places, of course. I wanted so, so badly to dress up for halloween at school, paint my face for dia de los muertos, bring cupcakes to my morning class for Valentine's day and my THIRTIETH BIRTHDAY! These are big deals. Maybe they are silly. Maybe they have religious undertones, maybe they are too capitalist, or maybe they are too commercial. But I don't care! A day to dress up in costume? To celebrate the harvest (even though I a morally opposed to much of the agricultural practices of today, and colonization)? To celebrate the memories of lost loved ones? And, today, a day to celebrate LOVE??? WHAT IS BETTER THAN LOVE? What could be better? So what if the candy companies have used it to extort money from us? You can still celebrate without giving into the man.

Bottom line, this world has twisted this joy. It has told me that my smiles and goofiness, my makeup, my costumes, my silly traditions, and my urge to celebrate should be abandoned. I should have grown out of them and grown up. I should only take subdued pleasure in sporting events, yoga, and fine wines. Not only that, but that I should feel self-conscious, ashamed, and embarrassed because I have not “grown up”. Well F* that. I hope, with all my heart, that there are many people out there today celebrating unabashedly. I hope that children can learn not to be ashamed to be who they are, silly as they may be. And that people learn not to judge and hate and hurt one another with unkindness.